It occurred to me that all three of my boys are at the same place in their cognitive development, none being able to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs in words. Even without having this ability, Gabriel not quite yet, and Landon or Blake, who will never have it, my boys have taught me so many things about life, love, and happiness that go so far beyond any words that they could possibly utter.
And so, I want to use my words, regardless of whether they are heard or understood, to express my love and gratitude to my sons.
My first letter is dedicated to my beautiful, first born son.
You were my first, my molder breaker, and for three beautiful, crazy, amazing years, you were the sun on which my days began and set. Had you never come into my life, I would without a doubt, not be the woman I am today. Your zest for life and your whole face smile have always been contagious, and seeing the way in which you have touched and changed the lives of so many people has been absolutely inspiring. Your bigger than life personality is magnetic. You can draw someone in and instantly be engrained in that person’s heart forever. You have taught me to be patient, to be strong, and to love with my whole heart.
You have also taught me the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn. You taught me how to let go when what I wanted most was to hold on fiercely tight. Letting you go away to school at Anne Carlsen Center was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life, hands down. To know that I would have to sacrifice some of our precious time together so that you could have the fullest and most meaningful life was an agonizing choice. I cried for you, and sometimes so much so that my whole body ached. I don’t think I went to bed with dry eyes for 6 months after you started school. To know that giving you the best life you could possibly have meant letting you be somewhere I was not, was indescribably painful and I really didn’t think I had the strength to stick it out. Thank you for helping me see that this choice has been life changingly positive for you, by growing so much, learning things I never dreamed possible, and showing me your happiness in everything you’ve accomplished. I won’t lie, it still hurts to be apart, and there are still nights I cry for you, but I know with every fiber of my heart that your life is as full and rich as it could possibly be, and the happiness that school has brought you is worth every tear that I have cried.
We are here on this Earth together on borrowed time. I don’t know when the last grain of sand will fall in that hourglass, but I know that we have packed more love, more happiness, more laughter, and more beauty into that time than many people get in a full life lived. I am thankful for every second of time we’ve been given: the good, the bad, and everything in between.
There are not enough words in the English language to tell you how very proud of you I am. How could I ever thank you for all that you have given me, shown me, taught me? I am able to be the woman, the mother, and the person I am today, because you came into my life and demanded it of me. You are my hero, forever and always. I dreamed of teaching you so many things, but instead, you taught me everything. You showed me things that only someone as special and pure as you could, and you have been an amazing teacher.
I am so glad I get to be your mommy, and when the day comes that you leave this world, and you are free of this disease and it’s pain, I will hold your memory, your beauty, and your smile within me every second of every day. I will share your story, your life, and your legacy with every person I meet, and though I know I will want to give up, I will not. I will be strong. And when I close my eyes, and I see your eyes sparkling and your whole face smiling, I will smile, because I will know that the next time we are together, you will be whole.
I will love you forever, and will be forever grateful to be lucky enough to be your mommy.