Baby Mine Part 2

Writing my letter to Landon was hard. Trying to put  8 years of love, pain, and things I’ve wanted to say to my precious child into words was difficult, but its time to continue, and to tell Blake what is in my heart and what I want him to know.

To My Blakers:

For almost the entirety of your life, we have known that we would lose you. Even before San Filippo, we came so close and I had to entertain thoughts of how I would go on without you.  Six short months later, all of that relief, happiness, and hope was ripped away. The day you were diagnosed was the day that I quit talking to God. You had fought so hard those first few weeks to survive, only to have your future stolen from you anyway. I was so angry, I felt so betrayed, so broken, and I don’t know if the part of me that was destroyed that day will ever heal. I would rock you at night and cry. Cry for the future that would never be, cry for the full life you would no longer have. It hurt. It still hurts, every day, but you have brought so much joy and happiness to my life in spite of it all.

The simplest things bring you so much joy and you have helped me to learn a very valuable lesson in life: There is no place like home. You are happiest being home and with familiar people who you love. We could take you anywhere and still, when we walk through the door after being away, your happy giggle as you run to your room is validation that this is your favorite place in the whole wide world. It use to make me sad for you, because your world is so small. Now it warms my heart, because to know we have made this place safe and comforting for you, to know that we have created your happiest place right here is so rewarding. And you know what? I love it here too. Thank you for helping me to see that no matter where we go, no matter how big and exciting the outside world can be, home will always be the safest, most wonderful place to be.

Unlike your brothers, you have never been one to seek attention, or to be in constant need of affection, and you have never given it to just anyone. Because you struggle with anxiety and sensory processing on top of the San Filippo, you make people who want your love and attention earn it.  It is not an easy task, but when you give it, you do so with the sweetest smile and gentlest touch and it feels all the more special. When you allow me to wrap you in my arms and hold you close, I am overcome with a warmth and a sense of peace that comes from holding no one else. Your sweetness is contagious and endearing and when I hold you, my heart is always content. You are my perfect reminder that the love that is earned is the most fulfilling and precious of all.

You are without a doubt, the most pure and innocent soul I have ever known. There is not an ounce of malice in your being.  You have no understanding of heartache, of  loss, you will never know envy, or anger, you will never be distressed by the ugly and the hate that exist in this world. No matter how long you live, you will be my forever baby. Your life may not be as long as we had hoped, but it will only know happiness, love, acceptance, and beauty. I know in your eyes, every day is the best day, and for that I am so thankful. Watching you live your life full of happiness and contentment has helped me to see that even in darkness, there is always a light at the end of every tunnel.

I can’t imagine a day without the presence of your precious face. You have filled my life and my heart with pride, joy, and so much happiness, and I am a better, more understanding person because of your beautiful innocence. You have given me so much without ever having said a word, just by being you. You have taught me to be gentle, and patient, and that the best things in life are those that are earned.

And the day that you fly free and leave us, a light will go from this world that will never replaced.  When the pain of missing you seems unbearable, I will hold tight to the memory of your precious angel face,  the way you would smile and giggle and find happiness in the most simple of things, and the way holding you in my arms felt: peaceful, warm, and as if everything is right in the world. I will share that light and innocence with the world every time I speak your name, and I will always feel that sense of peace when I share the story of your beautiful life.  

I am so honored and humbled to have been graced with your beautiful light and innocence. Thank you for letting me earn your love. Being your mommy has made me a more empathetic person that I ever hoped to be. I will love you forever, and you will forever and always be my precious, baby boy.

innocence

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