Unspeakable words

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The ache in my chest today for my baby boy is so unbelievably unbearable. Today, last year, we had what would be his last birthday party. It wasn’t his birthday, but it was the perfect day to celebrate.

And as the memories flood through me today…I can’t even put it to words. I knew today would be hard, but I never imagined how much so.

I want to talk and reminisce but my heart aches too much to make words come out. I feel literally paralyzed by the ache in my chest today.

I want to take Blake and Gabe out and make the day special for them, and I am just frozen on this couch, unable to move, barely able to breathe.

How? How can a child, who was so full of life, who never had a face that wasn’t smiling, who embraced everyone and everything, be gone? How can this be real?

Landon was just…the epitome of joy. And I feel like all the joy as been sucked from life today.

I can’t even theme this post with a silver lining. Today I write because it hurts too much to speak and what I’m feeling inside is just suffocating.

Blake and Gabe: I’m so sorry that mommy just isn’t mommy today. I’m sorry that the sun in shining and we are sitting inside. Mommy will try harder tomorrow.

Landon: I would give anything to see your face today, to hold you in my arms, and be watching you snatch cupcakes off the counter and eating them in a single bite. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t hurt for you, but today…my heart is bleeding for you. I miss you so much. Today my ache for you is something so powerful that words can’t do it justice. I love you, to infinity and beyond.

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